God, Stump & I

It's not unusual for me to carry on a conversation with my stump. As a matter of fact, my doctors told me that acknowledging my stump's existence is a good way to trick my brain. Yesterday, I had walked out onto my back porch to toss out some scraps. As I swung with my right arm to toss the scraps, I felt my body start to lose balance, and I was going down. I flipped off the side of my cement porch and into this thick bush, scraping the side of the cement steps. There I was, tangled up in this snow-covered bush with on my pajamas on! All I could say was "Really, Stump! You need to pull your weight around just a little bit more!" No worries here, though! I got a few nasty scrapes, but I am just fine.

Today...it's been two years today since that horrific day. TWO YEARS! Some days, it feels like it was only yesterday when all of this happened. Others feel like a lifetime ago. I keep a journal with my thoughts and prayers of different things that come along in my life. Today, I went back and read what I wrote two years ago, and I want to share a part of it with you...

"February 23, 2018...that day is forever etched into my mind and on my heart. The horrific tragedy of that day changed me physically and spiritually. In one moment, I was in complete control, and in the next moment, I lost all control...realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do to avoid what was coming my way. But in that same exact moment, I felt this comfort come over me, and this still small voice telling me, "I am in control, my child. You will be okay." What only took a few seconds felt like eternity. When my car came to a stop, I opened my eyes and thought, "I never want to go through that again but at least I can move...I am okay." I went to get out of my car to access what had just happened and to be of some help. As I took off my seatbelt and moved it back in place, the most horrific feeling came over me like a demon. The image I saw beside me and out in the road in front of me overwhelmed me. All I could do was scream...I couldn't even cry.

I am not okay...I am going to die.

But that still small voice came back..."I am in control, my child. You will be okay." I turned around and held on to my mother-in-law's hand. As I began to search for answers from inside of me, my heart kept saying, "Your grace is sufficient for me." My heart kept repeating it over and over..."Your grace is sufficient for me." I held onto my mother-in-law's hand as she drew her last earthly breath, and what was being said in my heart became words from my lips..."Your grace is sufficient for me." I knew God was there...in the still small voice...in the peace that came when my mother-in-law stepped into eternity...in the words coming from my heart, but "Lord, this is too much! I am not okay!" Soon, this man got in the backseat of my car and began working on my arm. He leaned up to my ear and told me, "You are going to be okay." That still small voice became a mighty rushing wind of peace. I smiled..."You know what? I am okay."

Two years ago, these were my feelings. Two years ago, you could have not convinced me that I would be able to tell my story...to deal with the pain, suffering, and frustration of what's no longer there. Two years ago, I learned what it feels like to be completely out of control...that moment that no matter how my thinking and strategizing and analyzing and 'what ifs' and excuses my mind could begin to conceive...everything was completely out of my control. Two years ago, I experienced the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Two years ago, I was face to face with death, and I watch death work. Two years ago, I saw God moved and worked in ways that to this day, I cannot begin to explain to you.

Do I have it all together today? No! I am human. God has worked wonders in my life over these last two years, but I have failed Him in not giving Him all the glory. I fall prey to pity. It's easy to crutch behind the pain. But God is still God. Someday, God gets my attention when Stump gets to hurting more than usual. And it is in those days, I am reminded of Paul:

"For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me. And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." II Corinthians 12:6-10

We need reminders to bring us back to that humble place where we give God the control. I know I do! Two years ago, I found God where some would say God could never be, and I have never been the same. So, God, Stump, and I...we are living life with perseverance.

Today, my pains are not that great. Today, I am a housewife and stay-at-home mama of a two-story house...that my husband and I own. Today, I have a thriving book business with Usborne Books and Book. Today, I have made many new friends through being a book lady. Today, I have not one, but TWO wonderful churches that I call home. Today, I can share my story. Today, I am living my new normal!